It began in
summer of 2005 at the age of 17, I went on a mission trip with my church youth
group, I wasn't acting like my normal self. I wasn't eating or sleeping and
would stay up into the wee hours of the night to study my Bible, as well as
the reading material for the week. To me, this was perfectly normal. I was excited
to be in Mexico and I had finally gleaned that God hadn't give me a Spirit of fear/timidity, but of power, love and of sound judgement/self-discipline/self-control.{2 Timothy 1:7}. I was overly happy. I had been extremely depressed for the past three years prior. I thought I was okay, but I would later find out that I wasn't.
Mental illness. Two words that have
changed my life forever. I had written a research paper specifically on Bipolar
Disorder, my senior year of high school, which had only been the year before. It
genetically ran in my family. Therefore, I was interested in the symptoms,
causes, and treatment. It was my worst nightmare, finding out that I had it.
With my illness, I have been
misunderstood, felt the pain of rejection, and have been "unfriended "
on Facebook. However, the illness hasn't been the worst pain. It's the gossip,
the hurt of fellow Christian people who I thought would be there. Just because
they don't understand, they choose to write me off.
Fastforward to March 2016, I had a nervous
breakdown and it lasted for ten horrifying months. It greatly affected my
newly wedded husband and the rest of my family. All within three months, I had gotten married,
moved, and I was forced to resign my job. The chaos of my life & grief of change/loss, being newly married plus the uncertainty of the present/my unhappiness with job loss/no schedule. Also, moving out of my hometown away from familiarity to a new town 40 minutes away from church friends & family only made it worse.
Honestly, I thought I would be locked up for the rest of my life. Four months later, at the end of July, and only few days before my 29th birthday, I decided that since I couldn't handle all these changes to attempt to end my life. That day, my mom was driving me about 2 hours away to hospitalize me, as I .was sitting in the passenger seat and one of my brothers sat in the back seat directly behind me. My Jesus truly knew I needed my brother, Phil, as I remember contemplating the "best" of course of action. Making sure that my momma drove her car out of city traffic & that we were out on the highway with hardly any other vehicles around, I opened my door, daring to jump out on the grassy side of the road, but using my brother's hands, God's MIGHTY HAND, THANKFULLY & PROVIDENTIALLY, through Phil literally grabbed me by my shoulders to save my life that day.
Here's the thing, I get dibs, I am the most thankful to be alive to tell my life's testimony, as I get to not only enjoy life, but especially to the fullest & more abundantly because of my Savior, Jesus! I truly get to enjoy God's presence each day, as I now know He is with me every split second & has always been for almost 16 years in August{see Hebrews 13:5}.The most important gifts & blessings in my day to day abudant life that I get to enjoy are spending time with all my family, especially my husband, Josh, who is my best friend & encourager, loves me unconditionally, biggest fan in life & always helps me "say no" in life if I get restless, which can cause me to try to plow ahead of God & Josh regarding our plans/future together, spiritual companion in our continual journey of pursuing Jesus together along with our church family, Bethel Downtown.
A year later, June 2017, I resurrendered my life to Jesus. Prior to rededicating my life to my Savior this particular summer, I struggled with doubt for many years whether I ever truly was a daughter of the King, as I had been a leader of a girls' group at my church 5 years prior. As I continued to grow closer to Christ, I quickly soon discovered that the enemy of my soul had tricked me & that I had been self-deceived for 15 years in a row--from age 14 ('00) through age 29 (06/ '17) because I never did have full assurance that I was a child of God. My God in His love in care revealed to me that I had known Him since age 7 (08/ '93)! [On February 10, 2018, prior to God revealing to me that I was saved as a young child, I was baptized a second time after rededicating my life to Christ].
Honestly, I thought I would be locked up for the rest of my life. Four months later, at the end of July, and only few days before my 29th birthday, I decided that since I couldn't handle all these changes to attempt to end my life. That day, my mom was driving me about 2 hours away to hospitalize me, as I .was sitting in the passenger seat and one of my brothers sat in the back seat directly behind me. My Jesus truly knew I needed my brother, Phil, as I remember contemplating the "best" of course of action. Making sure that my momma drove her car out of city traffic & that we were out on the highway with hardly any other vehicles around, I opened my door, daring to jump out on the grassy side of the road, but using my brother's hands, God's MIGHTY HAND, THANKFULLY & PROVIDENTIALLY, through Phil literally grabbed me by my shoulders to save my life that day.
Here's the thing, I get dibs, I am the most thankful to be alive to tell my life's testimony, as I get to not only enjoy life, but especially to the fullest & more abundantly because of my Savior, Jesus! I truly get to enjoy God's presence each day, as I now know He is with me every split second & has always been for almost 16 years in August{see Hebrews 13:5}.The most important gifts & blessings in my day to day abudant life that I get to enjoy are spending time with all my family, especially my husband, Josh, who is my best friend & encourager, loves me unconditionally, biggest fan in life & always helps me "say no" in life if I get restless, which can cause me to try to plow ahead of God & Josh regarding our plans/future together, spiritual companion in our continual journey of pursuing Jesus together along with our church family, Bethel Downtown.
A year later, June 2017, I resurrendered my life to Jesus. Prior to rededicating my life to my Savior this particular summer, I struggled with doubt for many years whether I ever truly was a daughter of the King, as I had been a leader of a girls' group at my church 5 years prior. As I continued to grow closer to Christ, I quickly soon discovered that the enemy of my soul had tricked me & that I had been self-deceived for 15 years in a row--from age 14 ('00) through age 29 (06/ '17) because I never did have full assurance that I was a child of God. My God in His love in care revealed to me that I had known Him since age 7 (08/ '93)! [On February 10, 2018, prior to God revealing to me that I was saved as a young child, I was baptized a second time after rededicating my life to Christ].
So many good things have happened since March
2016. God has giving me a peace and a contentment that I have only dreamed
about. I have an amazing and supportive husband that loves the Lord and me so
deeply. We have a wonderful home and I have job that fits me so perfectly. We
also have a local church that we've been attending and hopefully, we can join
soon. My mind does sometimes think about the past and the "what ifs."
However, one friend told me that God is sovereign, which is so unbelievably
true. I also know that He is good. He took a life like mine and transformed it,
when all I wanted to do was to throw it away and end it. Oh how He loves me!
