Loss

 Recently, two different people have suggested that I write. I do need to, as it's been so long.     

Loss is definitely on my mind. I lost my job yesterday. Honestly,I'm scared, as I was the breadwinner. I believe with this happening that God has something better for myself and my husband. I just have to wait. I have to wait on what my God has in store; plus it helps me rely completely on Him. Also, I've realized that I've been depending on the bank account and on money. Hence, it makes sense that God would take it away. 

"You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, 'Blessed be Your Name!" When we're praising God, we do not worry-our eyes are on Him. 

God will provide for us. He's promised in His Word. I do not know how or when, but He's definitely always right on time. 

Is there something that you've prayed and asked God for, but are still waiting? Take heart because if you are God's child-He hasn't forgotten you. nor will he ever. Open up His Word and believe His promises. The more we obey our Heavenly Father the more He reveals His will.

 

Matthew 6:33 {ESV}

33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Waiting

It is said that good things come to those who wait. But, what about those much like myself who feel that they have waited long enough you may ask? Well, honestly I have thought this my whole life's existence, as it seems that I am always waiting on something. But the good news is that we all are in great company with the Biblical characters. Just reading the Hebrews chapter eleven "Hall of Faith" passage helps us realize that even in the waiting there is purpose and most importantly complete and further dependence on God. 

I am extremely thankful that I waited until I was age twenty-eight to meet my future husband that God had for me. If I had not waited, I would be missing out on all of God's blessings that I am now enjoying and the life that Josh and I share! Because when I say "yes" to God, I stay under His protective hand. Doing so, I am then able to seek first God's Kingdom with Him, as Matthew 6:33 says. 

Be encouraged! 

For His Kingdom,  

~S

Psalm 27:14 {English Standard Version}

"Wait for the Lord;

    be strong, and let your heart take courage;

    wait for the Lord!"

 

"Accepting the place that God has me: fitting myself to it's sphere."

"Lord God, as of today I commit myself to you as a living sacrifice {Romans 12:1-2} by completing getting rid of my use of Facebook. It has zapped not only my time, but also my energy, life, & focus for 14 straight years. I give it up! I surrender. I'm sick of being chained to & bound to the enemy's website. I can't & won't do it anymore. Please set me free from the temptation & the snare of going back. Help me to think of it as sin like You do & turn my back on it like Abraham and Lot did to Sodom & Gomorrah. Help me truly see how it's damaging me & refuse it in my life anymore. I wanna swim against the current of this world's ways. Life's too short & precious for anything less. I love You, Lord! I don't want anything to come in between You & me, God, anymore & nothing to keep me from getting to spend time with my darling husband Josh all the time I want. It's definitely taken a toll on our marriage--a toll no longer! Amen." 

Author's note: The title of this blog post is a paraphrase of a quote from Elisabeth Elliot or as I call her E.E.

God Meant It For Good: My ReDiscovery of Love, Hope, Joy, Comfort & Satisfaction in Christ!

        It began in summer of 2005 at the age of 17, I went on a mission trip with my church youth group, I wasn't acting like my normal self. I wasn't eating or sleeping and would stay up into the wee hours of the night to study my Bible, as well as the reading material for the week. To me, this was perfectly normal. I was excited to be in Mexico and I had finally gleaned that God hadn't give me a Spirit of fear/timidity, but of power, love and of sound judgement/self-discipline/self-control.{2 Timothy 1:7}. I was overly happy. I had been extremely depressed for the past three years prior. I thought I was okay, but I would later find out that I wasn't.

        Mental illness. Two words that have changed my life forever. I had written a research paper specifically on Bipolar Disorder, my senior year of high school, which had only been the year before. It genetically ran in my family. Therefore, I was interested in the symptoms, causes, and treatment. It was my worst nightmare, finding out that I had it.

        With my illness, I have been misunderstood, felt the pain of rejection, and have been "unfriended " on Facebook. However, the illness hasn't been the worst pain. It's the gossip, the hurt of fellow Christian people who I thought would be there. Just because they don't understand, they choose to write me off.

        Fastforward to March 2016, I had a nervous breakdown and it lasted for ten horrifying months. It greatly affected my newly wedded husband and the rest of my family. All within three months, I had gotten married, moved, and I was forced to resign my job. The chaos of my life & grief of change/loss, being newly married plus the uncertainty of the present/my unhappiness with job loss/no schedule. Also, moving out of my hometown away from familiarity to a new town 40 minutes away from church friends & family only made it worse.
        Honestly, I thought I would be locked up for the rest of my life. Four months later, at the end of July, and only few days before my 29th birthday, I decided that since I couldn't handle all these changes to attempt to end my life. That day, my mom was driving me about 2 hours away to hospitalize me, as I .was sitting in the passenger seat and one of my brothers sat in the back seat directly behind me. My Jesus truly knew I needed my brother, Phil, as I remember contemplating the "best" of course of action. Making sure that my momma drove her car out of city traffic & that we were out on the highway with hardly any other vehicles around, I opened my door, daring to jump out on the grassy side of the road, but using my brother's hands,  God's MIGHTY HAND, THANKFULLY & PROVIDENTIALLY, through Phil literally grabbed me by my shoulders to save my life that day.
        Here's the thing, I get dibs, I am the most thankful to be alive to tell my life's testimony, as I get to not only enjoy life, but especially to the fullest & more abundantly because of my Savior, Jesus! I truly get to enjoy God's presence each day, as I now know He is with me every split second & has always been for almost 16 years in August{see Hebrews 13:5}.The most important gifts & blessings in my day to day abudant life that I get to enjoy are spending time with all my family, especially my husband, Josh, who is my best friend & encourager, loves me unconditionally, biggest fan in life & always helps me "say no" in life if I get restless, which can cause me to try to plow ahead of God & Josh regarding our plans/future together, spiritual companion in our continual journey of pursuing Jesus together along with our church family, Bethel Downtown.
        A year later, June 2017, I resurrendered my life to Jesus. Prior to rededicating my life to my Savior this particular summer, I struggled with doubt for many years whether I ever truly was a daughter of the King, as I had been a leader of a girls' group at my church 5 years prior. As I continued to grow closer to Christ, I quickly soon discovered that the enemy of my soul had tricked me & that I had been self-deceived for 15 years in a row--from age 14 ('00) through age 29 (06/ '17)  because I never did have full assurance that I was a child of God. My God in His love in care revealed to me that I had known Him since age 7 (08/ '93)! [On February 10, 2018, prior to God revealing to me that I was saved as a young child, I was baptized a second time after rededicating my life to Christ]. 

     So many good things have happened since March 2016. God has giving me a peace and a contentment that I have only dreamed about. I have an amazing and supportive husband that loves the Lord and me so deeply. We have a wonderful home and I have job that fits me so perfectly. We also have a local church that we've been attending and hopefully, we can join soon. My mind does sometimes think about the past and the "what ifs." However, one friend told me that God is sovereign, which is so unbelievably true. I also know that He is good. He took a life like mine and transformed it, when all I wanted to do was to throw it away and end it. Oh how He loves me! 

Treasure Jesus Only: no idols.

What I've learned from Elisabeth Elliot: If you or I don't have something now, we don't need it now. 

"And my God will supply all of your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." {Philippians 4:19}

If we're not careful, our wants can quickly become idols in our lives, as our God always provides for our needs no matter what. Jesus wants me & all of us believers to treasure HIM above & more than anything else we desire in our hearts. God wants to be our delight--not the gifts He gives us! Whether this be other people (i.e. relationships--friendships, family, parents, siblings or none--children or childless, husband/wife or singleness. Social media, entertainment, self, jobs/careers, possessions.) Anything you & I prioritize over our Savior is an idol. Money in the bank or not, comforts of our home--as a "refuge" instead of God first & foremost. Prayerlessness--relying on self instead of Him, as our God wants us to pray without ceasing.

"Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." {1Thessalonians 5:16-18} 

God is Lord & King! Since He loves us most of all there is absolutely nothing He withholds from us as children of God--His daughters & sons. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." 

Psalm 37:4-6 (ESV)

Mark 12:28-34

Psalm 46:1

Sorrow into Joy

As I write this, I cannot begin to express the joy and thankfulness that I feel about my life right now. I feel like God just turned my life from a time of grief & sorrow into joy. This time last year I was a basket case--literally. I was hospitalized twice because I just didn't want to live anymore. I attempted suicide by trying to jump out of a moving vehicle. I had lost everything (or so I thought.) Life was just too hard. My baby sister was getting married. I had to move out of the 3 bedroom apartment that I loved sharing with 2 of my sisters over the past 4 years early because I got married in March. (Not really good timing because my new husband and I had to pay double rent--in Jacksonville and Tyler.) The next thing that was gone was my job, which I was forced to resign due to several absences, which of course meant no income. But, one of the saddest parts at the time was that I lost my job at the Literacy Council in Jacksonville. I had hoped and prayed to get a job like that. I had never taught a class of 20 students before. And due to my depression and lack of preparation each week, my class slowly dwindled to zero students. My dreams had been dashed and my security of money and my singlehood and independence had been jerked from underneath me. (Noticed I said, MY dreams.) 

Well, life moved on and I continued to kick and scream because my life had been turned upside down. There were very few people there for me throughout that horrible 10 months of my married life. Most didn't know what to say or were weary of hearing the same old self-pity story of "woe is me." I received different opinions to my messed up life. The last thing I wanted to hear is, "be thankful. Thankfulness brings joy." To me, that was the most messed up thing I had ever heard. It's like God had to take everything He had given to me for me to appreciate my life. He gave me life, but I wanted to be in control and I tried to find that in money, and in the comforts of always having my bills paid at the three bedroom apartment. I had to relearn the hard way that God is provider. He chooses to bless whomever He chooses and He can take away anything whenever He desires.

I had to come to the end of myself to see how blessed and loved I really was. My husband loved me and my Heavenly Father loved me most of all. I had been bitter, and I wasn't shy at showing that. I was rebellious and pretty much hated God. I hated Him because I believed that He took everything from me, but it was for my good. My god was material possessions, money and being praised and liked. While those things aren't bad, loving it more than God is (see Matthew 6:24.)

I still have a lot to learn; a journey before me that won't at all be easy. But, God is God and I am not. He gives and takes away. May His name be praised.

He's. Got. This.

"Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy."
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings."
{Psalm 61:1-4}

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen."
{Philippians 4:19-20}

Uncertainty. One of my least favorite words. Overwhelmed. One of my least favorite feelings. These 2 things combined is how I'm feeling in this season of my life. However, add some excitement in the mix and it's not so bad. :) I'm feeling all 3 of these things right now 'cause I get to marry my best friend--the man I've prayed for & whom I've dreamed of meeting for so long in just 137 days from now. It's just so surreal! So, why the uncertainty, you ask? Well, there are so many changes to take place in this very short amount of time. Among the wedding planning, there is getting prepared for a week long mission trip to Nicaragua in just 18 days from now. I'm very thankful & ecstatic that I get to go 'cause I've been wanting to go since I started attending my church in 2012.

On top of all that though is something that really gnaws at me. Money. Or should I say the lack thereof? The thing is I don't really even know how much all the wedding stuff is going to cost or if I really have anything to worry about. However, what I do know is that I need to trust God with my finances. I know I've written this in past blogs & I say this over and over, but it's very true. God is Provider. I'm not. God gave me my job and the money that I have. He's ALWAYS provided & hasn't ever needed any help caring for my needs and will never need help from me. God is God. I'm not.

Trust. The one word that I really need to practice and act upon right now. I need to trust God and the promises in His Word. He cannot fail. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He can be trusted. I just have to believe Him. God's got this.