"I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.
Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah."
{Broken Hallelujah} by The Afters
Life is scary. I'm not gonna lie. I have all these God-given desires and I honestly have no idea how the Lord wants them played out. Unintentionally and without realizing it, I believe I've been wrestling God. I want so many things. I want to marry sooner than later to have a partner to share life with. I want to have a family of my own and perhaps adopt. I want to teach ESL to adults. That's how it's been. It's been about what I want, rather than what God wants for me.
And honestly, I haven't always really wanted to marry to have a partner in life. I never realized what marriage was really about. Marriage is not about what two people can get out of it. It's about doing life together and serving alongside your marriage partner--all for the glory of God. I don't know if I would've learned this as quickly if I were already married. I find myself dreaming more and more about getting married. But now more so of serving my future husband, rather than my future partner meeting just my needs. Most recently, I have caught myself smiling, while cooking and doing the dishes. I'm excited about one day taking care of my family--doing these exact same things.
The Lord has also changed my heart about the idea of homeschooling. Now, I really have no idea if my future husband will be open to this. But, I personally, used to not really see the importance of homeschooling. I now see how teaching children at home is better because parents can be more involved in their children's lives.
Perhaps, as you can see, the Lord has really been working on me. Yes, very slowly. And to me, it feels like it could be an eternity of waiting on His timing. But, I know it's worth it. 'Cause being where God wants me to be is worth it.
