As I write this, I cannot begin to express the joy and thankfulness that I feel about my life right now. I feel like God just turned my life from a time of grief & sorrow into joy. This time last year I was a basket case--literally. I was hospitalized twice because I just didn't want to live anymore. I attempted suicide by trying to jump out of a moving vehicle. I had lost everything (or so I thought.) Life was just too hard. My baby sister was getting married. I had to move out of the 3 bedroom apartment that I loved sharing with 2 of my sisters over the past 4 years early because I got married in March. (Not really good timing because my new husband and I had to pay double rent--in Jacksonville and Tyler.) The next thing that was gone was my job, which I was forced to resign due to several absences, which of course meant no income. But, one of the saddest parts at the time was that I lost my job at the Literacy Council in Jacksonville. I had hoped and prayed to get a job like that. I had never taught a class of 20 students before. And due to my depression and lack of preparation each week, my class slowly dwindled to zero students. My dreams had been dashed and my security of money and my singlehood and independence had been jerked from underneath me. (Noticed I said, MY dreams.)
Well, life moved on and I continued to kick and scream because my life had been turned upside down. There were very few people there for me throughout that horrible 10 months of my married life. Most didn't know what to say or were weary of hearing the same old self-pity story of "woe is me." I received different opinions to my messed up life. The last thing I wanted to hear is, "be thankful. Thankfulness brings joy." To me, that was the most messed up thing I had ever heard. It's like God had to take everything He had given to me for me to appreciate my life. He gave me life, but I wanted to be in control and I tried to find that in money, and in the comforts of always having my bills paid at the three bedroom apartment. I had to relearn the hard way that God is provider. He chooses to bless whomever He chooses and He can take away anything whenever He desires.
I had to come to the end of myself to see how blessed and loved I really was. My husband loved me and my Heavenly Father loved me most of all. I had been bitter, and I wasn't shy at showing that. I was rebellious and pretty much hated God. I hated Him because I believed that He took everything from me, but it was for my good. My god was material possessions, money and being praised and liked. While those things aren't bad, loving it more than God is (see Matthew 6:24.)
I still have a lot to learn; a journey before me that won't at all be easy. But, God is God and I am not. He gives and takes away. May His name be praised.
